Monday, November 10, 2008

Original First Drafts Of Jokes From The Stand Up Routine Of Henny Youngman

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means. It also means there will be a lot of screaming, and that the police will come, and they are not very accommodating and most likely won't buy your "sleep-groping" defense after the third time.

Take my wife... Please, you don't understand. She treats me horribly. I sleep in a box.

Doctor says to a man "You're pregnant!" The man says "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says "The usual way, a little wine, a little dinner.... seriously though, you have intense swelling in your gastrointestinal area and we need to get you into surgery or else you'll die."

I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me! Honestly though , she's done it before, and she'll do it again. I need protection.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started." The judge says "No, really, you have a problem. Your family is worried about you." The drunk starts to cry. Everyone else looks down at their shoes.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. She then buys a high end chef's knife which she threatens to castrate me with if I ever let go of her hand again. Why are you still listening to these jokes? Call the police before she gets back.

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