Friday, July 31, 2009

New Test Results Show Yankee Fans Still Terrible Assholes

The results of a year long study analyzing genetic samples from a representative collection of the nations Yankees fans has confirmed the widely held belief that they continue to be awful human beings. 

"The results showed that the subjects ranged from being jerks to what we in the scientific community call 'New Hitlers'," said Michael Roxbury, the lead scientist at the John Hopkins Medical Institute's DNA Diagnostic Lab, which conducted the test. "That's a scientific term that we use to describe someone with the same inherently evil genetic disposition as Hitler, but worse." 

Roxbury was quick to point out that these "New Hitlers" only appear to exist in northern New Jersey, and will most likely never escape, due to the fact that they essentially live in the rat trap of humanity. 

Baseball commissioner Bud Selig praised the study's finding today, saying, "In the wake of all of the scandals that have rocked the sport in the past few years, this couldn't have come at a better time. The tradition of Yankees fans being total dicks is as integral to the sport of baseball as the ballpark frank, and something we can not afford to lose." 

Mario Farina, the president of the official Yankees fan club released a statement in response to the study's findings where he made a lewd hand gesture and said something about your mother.