Friday, July 31, 2009

New Test Results Show Yankee Fans Still Terrible Assholes

The results of a year long study analyzing genetic samples from a representative collection of the nations Yankees fans has confirmed the widely held belief that they continue to be awful human beings. 

"The results showed that the subjects ranged from being jerks to what we in the scientific community call 'New Hitlers'," said Michael Roxbury, the lead scientist at the John Hopkins Medical Institute's DNA Diagnostic Lab, which conducted the test. "That's a scientific term that we use to describe someone with the same inherently evil genetic disposition as Hitler, but worse." 

Roxbury was quick to point out that these "New Hitlers" only appear to exist in northern New Jersey, and will most likely never escape, due to the fact that they essentially live in the rat trap of humanity. 

Baseball commissioner Bud Selig praised the study's finding today, saying, "In the wake of all of the scandals that have rocked the sport in the past few years, this couldn't have come at a better time. The tradition of Yankees fans being total dicks is as integral to the sport of baseball as the ballpark frank, and something we can not afford to lose." 

Mario Farina, the president of the official Yankees fan club released a statement in response to the study's findings where he made a lewd hand gesture and said something about your mother. 

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Pardoned Turkey Refuses To Shake President Bush's Hand

President Bush's lonely lame duck Presidency took another "fowl" turn this week when "Roost and Run", the turkey chosen to receive the ceremonial Presidential pardon, refused to shake hands with the President. 

"Look, I appreciate what the guy's done for me and mine, but after what he's done to America's standing in the world, I just couldn't put on the happy turkey face, you know? It's a principle thing," "Roost and Run" said through a translator. 

President Bush took the snub in stride, the same way he did earlier this week when he was systematically ignored by his fellow world leaders at the G-20 summit. 

Mr. Bush then moped across the South Lawn of the White House, eliciting sympathy from the press core. 

"I never thought he was such a bad little president," said Helen Thomas. "Maybe he just needs a little love."

Chevy Chase, MD, Sues Chevy Chase, Person, For Defamation Of Character

The city council of Chevy Chase, MD announced their plans today to sue actor and comedian Chevy Chase for the "continued defamation and debasement of (their) town name".

City council members said that plans for the law suit had been kicking around for years, "basically since Funny Farm came out," said council member Georgia Meyers. "We were holding out hope that he'd turn out some late career reinvention, you know like Bill Murray did, but nope. Still an asshole."

The council said that the final factor in deciding to go ahead with their case was last week's announcement that Chase planned to star in Not Another Not Another Movie, a film spoofing films that spoof other films.

"We try to represent the best possible image of Chevy Chase to the world - we rely on the tourist trade - and when he keeps putting dreck like that out there under our city's name, well it's basically like he just built a tire factory in the middle of downtown," councilman Craig O'Neill said. "Like the man's just been slapping us in the face for years, and we haven't done a thing about it."

Legal analysts agree that the city of Chevy Chase has a much better chance of winning their case in the aftermath of last week's lawsuit against Warner Brothers studios and director Christopher Nolan by the mayor of Batman, Turkey, for failing to ask for his permission to use the name "Batman". "This looks way less silly in comparison to that," said legal analyst Joesph Steven. "I mean who wouldn't want to be named after Batman?"

The city council is seeking an undisclosed settlement from Mr. Chase, script approval on any of his future projects, and a public apology for making Spies Like Us.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Original First Drafts Of Jokes From The Stand Up Routine Of Henny Youngman

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means. It also means there will be a lot of screaming, and that the police will come, and they are not very accommodating and most likely won't buy your "sleep-groping" defense after the third time.

Take my wife... Please, you don't understand. She treats me horribly. I sleep in a box.

Doctor says to a man "You're pregnant!" The man says "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says "The usual way, a little wine, a little dinner.... seriously though, you have intense swelling in your gastrointestinal area and we need to get you into surgery or else you'll die."

I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me! Honestly though , she's done it before, and she'll do it again. I need protection.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started." The judge says "No, really, you have a problem. Your family is worried about you." The drunk starts to cry. Everyone else looks down at their shoes.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. She then buys a high end chef's knife which she threatens to castrate me with if I ever let go of her hand again. Why are you still listening to these jokes? Call the police before she gets back.

Palin Reporter Has No Memory Of The Last Two Months Of His Life

After Sarah Palin ended what most are considering her final postmortem interview of the 2008 campaign, Houston Star reporter Shane Paley, who has been following the governor since she accepted the Republican party's nomination in late August, stopped to ask, "What just happened?"

"No seriously, where am I?" 

What his fellow pool reporters originally thought was a gag quickly turned serious once Mr. Paley fell to the ground weeping, repeatedly asking, "Why is there so much snow?"

"I just remember being in Dayton, she came up on the stage and... now... oh God, does my wife know where I am? My children?" Mr. Paley said before relapsing into a routine of terrible sobs and screams, for which he eventually had to be sedated.

After an examination by a local EMT, it became clear that Mr. Paley's actions were due to the fact that he remembered nothing of the last two months of his life, having apparently lived them in a form of sleepwalking that has been known to occur amongst the reporters who followed Gov. Palin during the campaign. 

"It'd happen to all of us now and then," said Minneapolis Star journal reporter Adam Patkin, who was on the trail with Mr. Paley. "Those few times she'd actually stop to answer our questions, she'd open her mouth and you'd get so focused on trying to follow anything she was saying and then suddenly it'd be two hours later and I'm back in my hotel room in my underwear. "

None of his fellow reporters had any idea Mr. Paley's condition was as bad as it was. His colleagues said that he was as social as anyone was, and that any perceived slowness was due to his southern drawl. "I just thought that's how everyone from east Texas acted," said Mark Diaz of the Miami Herald. He added, "Oops."

The other reporters watched as Mr. Paley was taken away to an Anchorage hospital before being flown back to Houston. When Mr. Paley was informed that Barack Obama had won the presidency, his sobs became louder, though most agreed that they were sobs of happiness and not the same ones of despair that he had been crying all day.

His fellow reporters were clearly shaken as they watched the ambulance drive off. 

"This just makes me question everything," Mr. Patkin said. "I mean we had a fantasy football league going. Who knows what that means anymore."

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Michael Bay Sues Obama For Stealing 'People Of The World Celebrate' Ending

Hollywood director Michael Bay announced Friday that he plans to sue the campaign of President Elect Barack Obama for copyright infringement, claiming that by causing the citizens of the world to erupt in celebration over his victory, Mr. Obama stole his intellectual property. "That's what I do," the director said in a press conference. "The world almost ends, hero saves it at the last minute, boom, the world rejoices as one. People see that, time and again, they say, 'Oh, that's Michael Bay. Awesome.'"

Bay claims that the cathartic burst of joy expressed the world over following Obama's victory in the US presidential race that was carried by numerous television outlets was too similar to his trademark ending, most notably that of his asteroid action adventure Armageddon, to be a coincidence. 

"They knew they needed the biggest possible end for this thing, so obviously they looked to me. Michael Bay. I get that. But I didn't receive one call, one text. I feel ripped off, and I think the world feels ripped off too. Because if that was a true Michael Bay ending, way more stuff would have blown up."

Bay cites his case against fellow director Roland Emmerich as precedent for the lawsuit. Bay recieved an undisclosed amount in damages from Emmerich and Twentieth Century Fox Productions after he accused them of stealing the ending of Armageddon for their Independence Day. It was considered a landmark case due to the fact that Independence Day was produced two years before Armageddon.