Monday, October 13, 2008

The Bruce Springsteen Scale For Depression

Level One: Greetings From Asbury Park

Your life will feel bright and sunny, so much so, that you may be blinded. Sunglasses are recommended. 

Level Two: The Wild, The Innocent, & The E Street Shuffle

You will still be excited about the things in your life, though a certain type of desperation will take over from time to time, leaving you wondering "Ooooh, what can I do?" This can easily be cured by sitting with a senorita by a fire (parental consent permitting).

Level Three: Born To Run

Events in your life will begin to feel constricting, like a death trap, or, alternately, a suicide rap. Your days will be spent dreaming of escape via car, motorcycle, possibly a boat across the river.

Level Four: Darkness On The Edge Of Town

Anger sets in as you realize that all of your plans to escape your tired small town life have failed, and there is nothing left for you to do, except possibly prove it all night. Any remaining energy will be spent requesting it be understood that your surroundings should treat you better than they currently do. 

Level Five: The River

The anger will soon succumb to acceptance and delusion, as you try to convince yourself that you do not hate your life by hanging out in bars all the time. This becomes increasingly harder to do when you receive a union card for your nineteenth birthday, even though you expressly told everyone you wanted a new leather jacket.

Level Six: Nebraska

Things have gotten bad. You have been laid off. All of your friends have deserted you. You've become obsessed with assassinated mob bosses and start driving around in the middle of the night with a gun in your glove box, hoping to get pulled over. Seek help.

Recovery: Born In The U.S.A.

The pills are working. You've stabilized and are making enough money that you can live your life happily with only occasionally stopping to think about past glory days, dead relatives, and creepy, possibly incestuous thoughts. Well done.


Josh said...

wtf? i never knew you knew so much about the boss.

em851 said...


Goose said...

This has to be one of the most hilarious things I have ever read in my life. I love it

Jonathon said...

When will mental health professionals adopt this new scale? It certainly is accurate.