Words the kids are using

deathcab [deθ-kab]

verb

possess an undying devotion for a person in a way that makes you sound like a sad fifteen year old to whoever you are describing it to, stripping you of all dignity: "So you're deathcabbing him now?" "I would, for lack of a better phrase, follow him into the dark, yes."

Grand Occult Party

On Tuesaday I attended the io's final pub quiz of the season. Since it's Halloween week and all, the theme was "Stephen King", which was unfortunate for me because not only have I never read a single Stephen King novel or short story (not even one of the hopey, 40's prison ones), I pretty much don't care about horror movies, which I could only assume would also be asked about. Luckily for me though the rest of the questions ended up being about short stories and Maine, things I'm mildly interested in. I would have come in third if I hadn't somehow gotten McSweeney's writer George Saunders and former Red Sox pitcher Tom Gordon mixed up (I think it's pretty safe to assume no girl has ever loved George Saunders), which would have won me one of io's famed frozen pizzas. On the upside though, I won best team name for "Cujo do me a favor?"

But none of this is the point. 

No.

The point of all of this is that the last question in the round on Maine was "This former congressman from Maine was a Republican candidate for President in 1880. A hint - he also has an elementary school at Southport and Janssen named after him."

This shouldn't have just been a hint for me. I should know this - I live a block away from this school. But for the life of me, I couldn't remember the name James. G Blaine. I know, I'm horrible.

So I decided to look up the man - who was apparently a speaker of the House, a senator, and a two time secretary of state. He was also, according to Wikipedia, the leader of the Half-Breeds. 

That's right. James G. Blaine was a werewolf. 

James G. Blaine Discusses Foreign Policy With A Campaign Staffer, Congressional Christmas Party, 1872

And apparently during their National convention, the Half-Breeds went up against a group of hardlined Van Helsings called the Stalwarts, led by notorious demon hunter Ulysses S. Grant. Things got ugly: 

In the 1880 Republican National Convention, the Stalwart candidate, former president Ulysses S. Grant, was pitted against Half-Breed James G. Blaine for the party nomination. Grant's campaign was being led by Stalwart leader, Roscoe Conkling of New York, a state that had the biggest split between Stalwarts and Half-Breeds. Despite Conkling's attempts at imposing a unit-rule in the Republican National Convention, in which a state's votes would be grouped together for only one candidate, a number of Stalwarts went against him by vocalizing their support for the Half-Breed, Blaine. The Half-Breeds united together to defeat the unit rule in a vote, and elected George Frisbie Hoar, a Half-Breed, to the position as the temporary chairman of the convention.

It's bizarre to think that such a time existed where a werewolf could go about in public with a name like George Frisbie Hoar, which would basically be the equivalent of naming a child Teen Wolf in today's world. 

Eventually the Half Breeds won out by putting up moderate werewolf James Garfield as a candidate, who it was agreed that when his transformation occurred, could easily be passed off as an unshaven Norwegian man. 

Garfield eventually went on to win the election, and the half breeds decided to take a more muted place in politics over the following years, using influence and acquired gypsy spells to get their legislative agendas passed through congress. 

2008 marks the first time since the 1880 election when the Half Breeds have put a player into the ring, with Zombie-American candidate John McCain. 

That was a stupid joke, but honestly, I just wanted an excuse to post this photo

Wholesome Historical Costume Ideas For Young Girls

Apparently this is a problem.  So what's a parent to do? Look to history, of course. 

Joan Of Arc 

Needed:

One Knights costume

Charcoal

Scissors

Dress your daughter up in the knights costume, and use the charcoal to give the costume and her face that freshly roasted look. Use the scissors to chop off all her hair - or better yet, have her do it! That rough worn look you get from cutting off your own locks really adds to the whole warrior in God's army vibe. 

Marie Curie 

Needed:

Rubber apron

Unflattering blouse

Baggy skirt

Green makeup

Beaker (optional)

Dress your daughter in the blouse and skirt, put on the apron, and then lightly apply the makeup on her face until she has that healthy green glow. The perfect costume to teach her a lesson about women's achievements in science and why it's not the best idea to watch your food cook in the microwave. 

Eleanor Roosevelt

Floppy dress

Ill fitting tweed coat

Wool pants

Some dopey looking hat

Long string of fake pearls

Dress your daughter like she doesn't care what she looks like, because who can care about things like that when there are coal miners to save, or whatever it was that Eleanor Roosevelt did. Alternatively, if you don't feel like explaining what the Great Depression was (better sooner than later!) or what a "beard" is, this same outfit can also be passed off as the classic "Female Hobo". 

Mama Mia

"Getting back to the spreading the wealth question, what do you say to the people who are concerned that Barack Obama will want to turn America into a socialist country much like Sweden?"

Bullseye. 

Dear God, they've already gotten to our water supply.

And while I agree with this reporter that the highly literate, ABBA loving people of Sweden are the greatest threat facing this country right now, I think she's got the wrong idea about which candidate's got his hand in the lingonberry jam jar. 

Exhibit A: 

Pasty faced Republican Presidential nominee John McCain in front of one his campaign signs, a blue background highlighted by a bold yellow streak. 

Exhibit B:

The flag of Sweden, as defined by Wikipedia: 

The flag of Sweden (Swedish: Sveriges flagga) is blue with a yellow Scandinavian cross that extends to the edges of the flag. The design and colours of the Swedish flag are believed to have been inspired by the present Coat of arms of Sweden of 1442, which is blue divided quarterly by a cross pattée of gold, and modelled on the Danish flag. Blue and yellow have been used as Swedish colours at least since king Magnus Birgersson's royal coat of arms of 1275.

So is John McCain subtly slipping Sweden a support sign through his campaign material? The angry raging wheezing has just been a cover to throw everyone off the trail of his true, socialized public health care, Dancing Queen loving heart? Sure why not. It's as valid a point as anything that lady said.

And she's an actual journalist.

And as Exhibit C:

A picture of Barack Obama fist-bumping a small child. Because it is fucking adorable.

I Am A Bit Of An Asshole

In Case You Missed The Debate

Sons Of Local Business Tycoons Don't Understand What McCain's Problem Is

At a press conference this afternoon held at the Long Island Marriott and Spa, some of the sons of the area's most successful businessmen gathered to express their outrage and confusion as to why Senator John McCain keeps linking them and others of their social standing to the Democratic candidate Barack Obama in what they see as a "negative light".

Dustin Julius, heir to lucrative Orange Julius fortune, spoke for the group. "We find it hard to believe that Senator McCain feels the need to continually bring up the fact that Barack Obama started his career in one of our living rooms, and paint it as a bad thing. We have very nice living rooms, can you really blame the guy for trying to have a little class?"

"I just find it repulsive that the senator would turn his back on us and our families after all of the money and work we've put into his campaign," Mr. Julius said. "The Dow dips a bit and you turn us out for Joe Six Pack or whatever you're calling the idiots this week? Who's the traitor here senator?"

After they opened the floor to questions from the small pool of reporters covering the event, someone explained to them what the definition of a homonym was, and the group looked stunned. They stared at their feet, offered a brief apology, and then everyone went home.